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January 03, 2005

Incredibly Annoying Couples

Love sucks. 

Wait, let me rephrase that. 

People in love suck.

Wait, still not there.

People in love who feel the need to do absurd, disgusting things in public suck.

Couples_1Hurray!  You finally met that one special person who lights up your life.  You get to hold hands and cuddle and kiss each other on the smoochy woochie.  Everyone thinks you're such a cute couple.  And you are.  Because you haven't gotten there yet.  But you do need to be careful.  After all, you do not want to end up like one of those couples.

-- The "let's make-out in public because everyone should learn from us" couple -- Probably the most annoying couple there is.  They kiss.  They cuddle.  They feel each other up.  And you're standing there, two feet away, wondering exactly how hard the stupid bell hit them at birth.

Look Hansel and Gretel, you're not exactly Girls Gone Wild here.  Why must you feel the need to disgust everyone around you by sticking fingers in places not sold in stores?  Get a room.  No wait, get plastic surgery, then get a room.  Wow, that's a really nice tummy shirt you bought at Foxy Lady, but I thought the tummy was supposed to stay inside.  Please, from all of us to you -- cut off your tongues so that I may put my cigarette out on them.

--The "we're fighting in public but you're not allowed to look at us" couple --  The other day I'm standing outside smoking a cig when I hear the following sentence; "Fuck you and that skanky whore bitch!"  Now, call me Curious George but there's something about the words, "fuck, skanky, whore and bitch" all in the same sentence that makes me somewhat, well, curious.

So I gently look three feet to the left and make eye contact with, who I assume to be the opposite of Ms. Skanky Whore Bitch.  She then proceeds to politely tell me to "mind my own fucking business."  Excuse me?  Mind my business?  Listen up Peggy Sue, last I checked Dr. Phil wasn't staging a fucking intervention here on the public sidewalk.  You wanna call out your man?  Well then do it in the privacy of your own fucking insanity.

--The "we like to replace each others names with the word baby" couple --  "Baby, this doesn't fit right."  "Well then baby, maybe you should return it."  "But baby, then I have to go back to the store baby."  "Oh baby, we can go together."

Baby, for the love of everyone who is not you -- please shut the fuck up!  I actually stopped talking to two of my friends in high school because they never shup up with baby.  Baby this, baby that.  One day, I lost it.  Big time.  How do people not see that this obsessive use of the word baby is not only revolting and irritating, but it could cause severe homicidal thoughts from those around you?

So what kinds of couples incredibly annoy you?

08:15 PM in Incredibly Annoying | Permalink


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GUFFAW!! My sentiments exactly!! I also hate couples who pretend they never fight, and then pretend that this is a sign of superiority rather than of repression and/or wimpiness.

You crack me up every time I come here, so I'm giving you the honor of... drum roll, please... being the 1st new link on my blog of the year!! :-)

Posted by: Omni | Jan 3, 2005 8:57:57 PM

-- The "let's wear the exact same clothes while on vacation because we love each other" couple.

I swear this is true. I am in Vegas, the land of the really weird. A pack, yes a pack, of loving couples all matched perfectly, from head to toe. They obviously were all together since the coicindence of that occurring, although odds slightly better in Vegas, is just so astronomical it could make your head spin. I stood there, dumbfounded. Individuality has left the building.

Posted by: DrinkJack | Jan 3, 2005 9:07:28 PM

Seeing as everyone annoys me, this should be easy, but it's really difficult to narrow down. I suppose it's the ones in a restaurant who not only have to sit next to each other, instead of across, but have to feed each other as well. It'd be one thing if one of them was 85 and couldn't do it - but no....they just make a spectacle. It's worse than those people who are trying to feed an infant and make the airplane noises.

Posted by: Norman | Jan 3, 2005 9:10:33 PM

many "coupling" things are annoying, and this post is great.

most annoying is when one half of the couple can't decide the most basic thing w/o the other's "assistance" or input. i'm not talking major purchase here, i'm talking how many shots of espresso in one's mocha. yes, i witnessed that. ew.

also, when one half of the couple goes to a new year's eve party w/o their "better half" (another gag term) and then leaves before midnight because either they're afraid of their wife and are pussy-whipped or they're going to get fucked right at midnight and are very horny and want to get home right away, but that wouldn't explain the double kiss i got from this guy IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY at the party!

i am very suspicious when a wife or a husband goes to a party a-l-o-n-e (yes, i blogged about this guy) and the wife and/or husband isn't sick or anything.

i hate "split" yet "married" couples...throws us single folk off.

Posted by: melina | Jan 3, 2005 10:53:05 PM

The couples who think they invented sex, or one or the other is always talking about it, like, how their mate cannot keep his hands off of her, like she's just SOOOO much hotter than anybody else on the planet.
I think they're either insecure or inexperienced.

Posted by: annie | Jan 3, 2005 10:53:55 PM

I hate the ones who have phone conversations when I'm withing earshot, and then say "I love you" discreetly.
Hell, I hate people who say "I love you" ever.

Posted by: davo | Jan 4, 2005 5:11:01 AM

My vote just got you even with finslippy!

Posted by: davo | Jan 4, 2005 5:15:10 AM

This is actually more sad than annoying. Those married couples who are at a restaurant and don't say ONE word to each other the entire meal. They just sit there and look around and everyone else or stare at their food.

I was at a restaurant a few weeks ago and saw a couple like that. I couldn't stop staring at them, because I actually wanted to see if/when they would actually say something to each other.

Posted by: Kimi | Jan 4, 2005 9:20:45 AM


i love you.

Posted by: melina | Jan 4, 2005 11:20:36 AM

Fat Guy... great post.

The couples that bother me are those, "we've been together for ever, so there for our relashionship is far better than anyone elses". GAWD... No, you're not... because with out fail, they fight more and they are completely blind to all the serious issues in thier lives. They are usually the PDA and "I wuv U" people too. *shudder*

"I wuv you hunny bun."
"I wuv you mower"
"No, I wuv you the mostest!"
"Oh sweetie McMuffin you silly nilly bunny cutie, I wuv you big barrels of sweetie pies!"

Fork to the temple, as to end the pain.

-Thier temple.

Posted by: Chastity | Jan 4, 2005 5:24:19 PM

I hate couples who do nothing but talk about their wonderful, entertaining, brilliant, perfect children. Talking about rugrats is about as lame as talking about the weather as far as I'm concerned.

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) | Jan 4, 2005 6:12:40 PM

Oh god, my stepdaughter does the 'I wuv you hunnybunny' 'no I wuv you mower' and I swear to you I have actually heard her said 'oh sweetie mcmuffin you silly nilly bunny cutie I wuv you big barrels of sweetie pies'. Sickening. And while they are saying all this? All over each other. Ewwwww... in front of her dad, no less! Ewwww...... so tell me, what's grosser than imagining your parents having sex?? Imagining your KIDS having sex. Just not right, on so many levels.

Posted by: nuala` | Jan 5, 2005 3:30:16 PM

I just wanted to say 'Amen' to everything above.

Posted by: kmsqrd | Jan 6, 2005 11:30:16 PM

haha !
fuck yes !
i am actually part of a club called the IHC - i hate couples.

Posted by: Paris | Apr 12, 2006 5:23:07 AM

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