May 05, 2004
I'm crashing the Blogger Idol Party!
How To Tell If Your Entire Life Is Just One Big Bad-Ass Secret
Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought something was off? Whether it be an out of place alarm clock, the absence of clothes underneath those covers, or a total stranger still fast asleep beside you?
If you answered either Occasionally or Sometimes, then chances are you might not be, well, you. Perhaps you’re hiding one badass secret, and the only person that doesn’t know about it is you. In that case, here are some sure-fire ways to help figure out your real identity.
CHECK FOR BULLET HOLES AND/OR HIGH POWERED WEAPONS HIDDEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE – You might think I’m crazy here, but the first thing you want to do is make sure you’re not some top level secret agent. This could be a bad thing, especially if your idea of an exciting night out consists of standing in front of an elevator and making bets with yourself as to which floor it’s going to next.
Does a strange British Guy keep calling you? Is there a black van parked across the street? Have you noticed that the quality of people you’re sleeping with (look wise) has gone up considerably? Last time you went on vacation did you have to sort through 17 different passports in order to find the right one? If any of this rings a bell, then it might be time to head on down to your local CIA office for a little Q & A. Tell them the fat dude sent you.
HAVE YOU FOUND AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF BRAND NEW CLOTHING LINGERING AROUND YOUR PAD? – Do you have to dodge your way through JC Penny bags in order to get into the kitchen? Are there random lists lying about containing the contact info for every employee from The Gap? If this sounds familiar, then you might be a secret shopper.
You know those people who go into stores, not to buy stuff, but to examine the staff at work? And you could be so good at your job that being a secret shopper is even a secret to you. A couple of clues: Do you carry either a thick wad of cash or 14 credit cards with you wherever you go? After you go shopping, instead of showing your friend the new clothing, do you, instead, criticize the staff to great extents? When people call you do they ask about your day or about the new sale at Banana Republic? Hopefully these things may help point you in the right direction.
ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH LINGERIE? – Um, that might not be the best question. How about – do you sleep, eat, shit, and dream about lingerie? Okay, that really doesn’t narrow it down either. Heck, I’ll just say it – maybe you work for Victoria’s Secret.
If you answered yes to the above questions and you’re not a horny teenager or a serial stalker, then there’s a good chance you’re working for good old Miss Victoria. And what’s really Victoria’s secret you ask? C’mon, that’s obvious. Her secret is that she likes to dress as a slut. Shouldn’t need me to figure that one out folks.
DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING WITH X-RAY VISION AND/OR SUPER HUMAN STRENGTH? – When you got out of bed did the floor shake. Did you accidentally throw the pet dog a thousand feet into the air when you picked them up before? When you walk down the street are you able to tell the color of everyone’s underwear? If so, then you may have secret powers.
In the closet, next to your suit and that Hawaiian shirt are there a cape and some tight spandex? Do you feel as if you’re romantically involved with someone, but only half of the time? Is your hometown taken over by some kind of weird, creative Villain every couple of years, but then just as it seems the world will end something, someone saves the day? Take a closer look in the mirror, because if your eyes change color, you might hold secret powers. And if you do – can we, like, hang out?
That's it! Hopefully with these tips, you will soon be on your way to living an ordinary secret-less life.
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» My Blogger Idol - Secrets from LivingRoom >> A space for Life
I've decided to acknowledge my favorite bloggers idols this week and showcase my top blogger idol with a two week position in my sidebar. The topic for the past two weeks has been Secrets (see all entries here). As I... [Read More]
Tracked on May 16, 2004 9:24:56 PM
blogger idol, you find something new every day. i guess we all have to reveal our inner blogwhoredom :)
Posted by: no milk | May 5, 2004 5:30:54 PM
mmmmph mmm mmmmm mphhh hmmmm mmm hmmmmppph.
Posted by: garybibb | May 5, 2004 6:30:55 PM
I don't know what happened. Last thing I remember I was sitting in the local office of the CIA telling them my story, and now I'm in a rubber room with this crazy new jacket they gave me. Must be a new training technique.
Posted by: HR Lady | May 6, 2004 10:40:58 AM
When you got out of bed did the floor shake
Well, yeah it did but silly me, I thought it was because I was hungover. So do you still wanna hang out?
Posted by: scary mama | May 7, 2004 1:33:11 PM
Um, Scary mama. When were we ever hanging out??
Rule #357 - Wait a good 5 hours for hangover to subside before posting comments on strangers blog.
Posted by: Fat Dude | May 7, 2004 3:16:24 PM
Ummm Fat Dude, we've never hung out. I was just responding to your "And if you do – can we, like, hang out?"
Rule #1 - Know what you ask in your blog before responding to commenters. :)~
Posted by: scary mama | May 7, 2004 11:50:37 PM
Since when is it a bad thing to hang around a Victoria's Secret store watching the women, emerging from the fitting rooms, showing off their possible purchases for their friends amidst their collective oohs and ahhs?
Posted by: Wayne Hurlbert | May 8, 2004 3:26:01 AM
I thought there was something strange about those yellow spandex in the wash...
Posted by: jess | May 9, 2004 12:52:26 PM
Great first entry. Thanks for the laugh.
I did a Top 5 List on my blog, and your entry is on it.
Posted by: Marguerite | May 15, 2004 11:13:14 PM
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